Lonely

By Emmie

Barely anything was visible out of the window of the coach. There would have been rolling fields and frosty trees and landscapes, but it was night and all that could be seen was a thick blanket of darkness that swept over everything and engulfing it, with just the odd cluster of orange lights shining dimly in the distance. She could see the faint reflection of her face in the window. Her deep brown eyes that had once sparkled and smiled were now dull and dark shadows hung underneath them like thunder clouds. She hardly slept at all. She tried but she just couldn’t seem to drift off, and even when she did she would wake only a few hours later, haunted by dreams and visions.

Some dreams brought back the horror of her stalking ordeal. It was over 18 months ago that the whole thing had happened, yet the nightmares still haunted her often and when she woke up shaking in bed the fear was just as vivid and real as it had been at the time. Other dreams featured one particular man. Some were good dreams and others held memories that weren’t so pleasant, things that she regretted deeply. When she woke from these dreams she lay alone in bed, thoughts, regrets and memories spinning in her head until she almost felt dizzy as though she had been spun round and round a thousand times. His face would shine in her mind as she contemplated her situation and what she should do. His name spiralled out of control across her thoughts. Patrick.

She should never have left, she knew that now. A year ago she had gone. Last Christmas she had left him, and all her other friends and people she knew, for the solitary life that she led now. She had tried her hardest over those few months while she was still in Holby to just live her life and forget all about Tom and what he did to her but it became overwhelming. She had grown tired of having to mask her emotions and true feelings when she was around other people and constantly having to put on a front so that people would think she was okay. Looking back she didn’t really know why she tried to cover up the fact that lived every hour of every day in fear. She realised now that it would have been easier to stop pretending and let people in, they could have helped her get through it. But no, she was stubborn and thought she could manage on her own.

But there was one person who had tried so much more than everyone else to help her through it. He had seen through her lies and false smiles, even though she wouldn’t admit to him that it was the truth. Instead she had let him sit back and watch her suffering, the pain of not being able to help someone that he cared so much about showing in his eyes. That look still caused her grief, knowing that she could have avoided it.

Then she had just left without a word. She didn’t really know why she hadn’t told him she was going, but she needed to get away. She couldn’t imagine what it must have done to him, how deep it must have cut him. He probably wouldn’t want to know her after what she had done. She certainly wouldn’t blame him if that was the case. But all the same, she hoped he could forgive her. All she wanted to do was run right into his safe arms and let all her problems evaporate into the air as he held her. If only that could be the case.

She probably wouldn’t even make it as far as seeing him. Many times over the past year she had started to make her way back to Holby, but at some point along the way she would be swept away by a wave of doubts and apprehensions and would turn away from Holby . . . and from Patrick. She hadn’t really settled anywhere since she left. She had lived in Germany for about eight months, but since then she had travelled around the UK and visited places, staying in various hotels and B&Bs. It was just until she found the courage to return to Holby, whenever that would be. Perhaps that time was now, after all that was where she was headed. But she might never make it that far, she had tried before but never got there.

Out of the window she could see a city, alive with lights: street lamps, houses and colourful Christmas decorations. It could be any city in the country. It could be Newcastle, Manchester, Birmingham or London, she didn’t know. She had lost track of how long she had been sitting on the coach staring out into the thick darkness. She had no idea where in the country she was, she had stopped measuring the distance.

In her mind phrases and snippets from conversations that she had with Patrick in the past swirled around, causing the feeling of guilt and pain to well up and grow inside her.

“I really do hate you, you know.”
“I know, and it means a lot to me.”

“You keep trying to change me. You keep wanting to make me someone that I’m not. I’ll never be good enough for you.”

Tears threatened to spill out as they welled up in her eyes. He was good enough for her, he was all she needed right now. But he didn’t know that. A sigh escaped from her lips. There was too much between her and Patrick to just throw away. She was going to do it this time. She wasn’t going to turn back. She was going to go to Holby and she would at least try to patch things up with him. There was too much at stake to just forget it. She was determined to sort things out this time . . .