Remembrance

By Emmie

Duffy sighed as she sifted through a pile of papers and files, looking for a patient's notes. She just couldn't seem to keep her mind on work today, but then that was no surprise really. She shuddered, remembering the incident again. She was surprised, and perhaps a little disappointed, that no one had remembered, not even Charlie. She felt she needed a bit of sympathy and comfort. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill out. "Duffy?" someone called out, disturbing her thoughts. She spun round to find herself face-to-face with Charlie. "Duffy, can I have a word please? In my office." Duffy nodded and followed silently.

She sank into a chair in the corner of the room while Charlie perched on the edge of his desk. "I've been trying to get you on your own since the beginning of the shift," Charlie began.

"Why?" asked Duffy, knowing full well what the answer would be.

"Well…isn't today…a year since…" he paused.

"…Andrew died," whispered Duffy, finishing his sentence off for him.

Charlie nodded. "How are you doing?" he asked gently, placing his hand on her arm.

"Erm…not too bad. I was hoping you could let me of a bit early this afternoon, I need to do something."

"Yeah, sure you can," replied Charlie. He didn't want to question her about it, but he knew Duffy - it would be a good reason whatever it was.

* * * * *

The harsh wind whipped up the rain so that it blew against her face like a hundred tiny needles. She stuffed her hands in her pockets and buried her chin into the collar of her jacket in an attempt to keep warm. April? It felt more like November! Fortunately, the wind began to die down and the rain eased a little as she rushed along the almost deserted street. It was getting dusky and the boys would soon need to go to bed. She'd have to be quick about it, she didn't want her mother to worry.

Duffy stopped outside a florist and stepped inside, grateful for the break from the cold. She picked up two bunches of assorted flowers, paid for them quickly and hurried back out of the shop and carried on down the road. Five minutes later she had arrived. She paused outside the gates of the cemetery, wondering for a moment, if there was any point in going in, if there had been any point in her making that journey. But she knew she had to, she owed it to him, and to them.

Duffy walked along the winding path to the far end of the cemetery, stopping when she reached that familiar gravestone, Andrew's gravestone. She wiped the splattering of raindrops off the seat that as just opposite the grave and sat down, fingering the petals of the flowers she had bought. She looked over her shoulder, checking that no one else was around. When she was sure it was deserted she stood up and laid a bunch of flowers down at the base of the gravestone. "I love you," she whispered, the tears finally getting the better of her and rolling down her cheeks. She then proceeded to tell Andrew all about the boys: how much they were growing and changing, how well they were doing at school and good the older two were getting at football -they loved it! She stood up, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. She asked herself a question, a question she had asked many times before: why was it her that had to end up without a husband? Why was it her boys that had to end up with no daddy? No matter how often she asked herself that there was never an answer, and never would be, she supposed. Duffy glanced at her watch. She should really be getting back, but there was one thing she had to do first…

Duffy walked hastily over to the other corner of the cemetery. She knew it was over there somewhere, but she wasn't sure exactly where. She scanned the names on the stones as she walked past, although it was getting hard to see as the light was fading and night was crawling in to take its place. She stopped sharply when she found the gravestone she was looking for - it read...

In Loving Memory Of
Holly Miles
25th December 1974
To
28th April 2001

Duffy shook her head slowly. Why Holly? She had so much going for her and then this went and happened. She knew she had to do this, for Patrick's sake. She knelt down on the floor, staring at the grave in disbelief. Why did someone so young have to die? "Holly, Patrick can't be here today, if he could, he would. Believe me, he would. But unfortunately he was…he was killed…in a car crash. There was nothing we could do, we tried our best but…" she broke off. It was still so hard to tell someone that the person they had loved and cherished most in the world was gone, even though they were dead themselves. "These are from him," she said, placing the bunch of flowers on the grass in front of her. "Well actually I bought them, but on behalf of Patrick. If he'd have been he would have got some, but…" she stopped and stood up quickly, she thought she heard footsteps approaching. And nevertheless, when she looked round she saw a figure walking towards her. As it drew closer she realised it was Lara.

"Hiya, Duffy! What are you doing here?" asked Lara as she approached.

"Oh, erm…it's a year since Andrew died, so…"

"Ah, I see." Lara glanced at Holly's grave. "Is that…"

"Oh, no, his is over there," Duffy pointed back to where she had come from.

"Right, so whose is this?" asked Lara, reading the name on the stone that Duffy was standing by. "Holly Miles," she muttered. "Did you know her?"

"Yeah, yeah I did. We worked together."

"When did she die, if you don't mind me asking?"

"A year ago, the same day as Andrew."

"Oh, so that was when Patrick worked here then. Did he know her?" asked Lara, glancing at the grave next to Holly's.

Duffy noticed this and looked herself - it was Patrick's. She thought this was a strange coincidence, but very appropriate considering everything they had been through together. "Yeah. Yes, they were good friends."

"Just good friends?"

Duffy wasn't sure what to say. Of course they had been much, much more than friends, though unable to admit it until the last minute. But should Lara know? Perhaps it was better that she didn't.

Duffy must have been silent for too long because Lara asked again, "Duffy?"

"No, they were more than friends."

"Ah, I see." Lara looked up at Duffy who was wondering if what she had just said was the right thing. "Its okay, Duffy. I'd rather know. So what's their story then?"

Duffy took a deep breath. How did you explain a relationship as complicated as Holly and Patrick's to someone who hadn't been there to experience it, who hadn't seen the way they looked at each other and the way they acted around each other. It had been obvious that they had strong feelings for each other, but they had been buried deep and covered by years of history and memories of hurt and pain, yet the spark hadn't quite died. Duffy didn't even know the ins-and-outs of it herself - there were no words to describe it, but Lara wanted to know, so she'd have to find some.

She began to explain what she knew, from the day Patrick first arrived in Holby A+E, and the way Holly tried to shut him out completely, to Holly's stalker ordeal and how that came to a head, ending with Patrick saving Holly's life. She went on to tell Lara about what happened after that. "You see, I was in resus, sitting with Andrew. It was just after he…" she broke off, the memories of that horrific night torturing her mind. "Well, I was sitting there next to him, I must have been there a few hours, when Josh and Mel (she was one of our paramedics) came crashing through the door wheeling a trolley in after them. They were followed by Max, Chloe and Anna, Max barking out orders, asking for this and that. I…I didn't realise it was Holly lying there on that trolley until Patrick rushed in. He was frantic - screaming her name, pleading with Max to save her, trying to help her himself. But he was just getting in the way so Charlie led him out. I decided to go and talk to him, find out what happened. I also hoped it might take my mind off Andrew if I could help someone else." Duffy paused for a moment.

"So what happened then?" asked Lara, intrigued.

"Well, from what he told me, they were sitting on this bed together in a disused ward where Tom had taken Holly to. Patrick said that he realised, when he saw her lying there on the bed, unable to breathe, that he didn't want to have to live without her. He said all the feeling for her that he'd pushed aside over the years had come flooding back in that instant. He knew that whatever he did he couldn't let her die. He told her all this while they were sitting there on their own, but before she found chance to give him a response, people began swarming around them, asking questions and telling them that Holly needed to be checked out. So Patrick took her down to A+E and Max checked her out. Thankfully she was okay."

"So how come she ended up in resus then?" asked Lara. She would never have thought she'd want to hear about her fiancé's 'love of his life' - that was supposed to be her. But by the sounds of this story she had won second place.

"Well, Patrick decided to take her home. They were outside in the car park, about to get in the car, when she told him she felt exactly the same. All she had been thinking while Tom had her locked up, tied to the bed was what Patrick was gonna say when she didn't turn up for the drink and whether or not he was going to notice she was missing and look for her." Duffy shook her head. "They had it all going for them. They were going to make a new start together, try to forget all the old memories that had them bound before. Then this happened…"

"What exactly happened though?"

"They were involved in a car accident on the way home. Patrick escaped practically unscathed but Holly was much worse affected. Even if she had survived there wouldn't have been much of a life for her - she damaged her spinal cord so she would have been in a wheelchair anyway."

Lara was stunned. That was such an amazing and emotional tale. It seemed to be about a different Patrick. Not the one she had known and loved, but a completely different person. It must have been even harder than she had thought for him to loose Rachel at Christmas, after loosing Holly. "Isn't it a strange coincidence that they've ended up next to each other!" pointed out Lara, looking down at the two graves in front of her. "He has the best of both worlds now, really, doesn't he? He's with Holly now, wherever they are, and he's got me down here, still loving him and…missing him." Lara broke down and began to cry.

Duffy walked forward and gave Lara a hug. I know, it's hard, it's very hard. To loose someone you love is…is the worst thing to have to go through." Duffy began to cry herself. "You never get over it."

The sun finally set, throwing Holby into darkness. Yet the cemetery seemed so much darker than the rest of the city, at least it did to Lara and Duffy. Because for them it reminded them of memories - some bad, some good - but memories that they would sometimes rather not think about. So they stood there in silence in that deserted graveyard, losing all sense of time, thinking of those loved ones that they had lost, grieving for them. And thinking of acts of the past, wishing they had never happened. Wishing that they weren't stood there now. Wishing that the hurt they felt deep inside would disappear and that everything would be as it was before. But it wouldn't ever be, things would never be the same again.