Too Late

By Han

Holby 2020

"Oh hell. I can't believe I'm really back."

Call it a mid-life crisis, unfinished business, a change of heart, a step backwards, what ever you want but something is bringing me back to Holby. It wasn't something I planned to do. Infact it was something I planned not to do. This morning I had no idea I was coming here, all I knew was that I had to get away from him. I was running away from my failed marriage with my kid in tow at 5 in the morning. Maybe not the smartest thing to do I'll admit but when I decided to leave that was it. I was out of there. I drove to the airport, all I could think off was getting as far away from Rob as humanly possible and this seemed like the best way to do it. And then when they told me that there were two cancellations on the next plane to London, well what can I say? It was fate. And who am I to argue with fate?

It's not like I planned to come back and see him I'm just here, in England and it seems a bit strange not to come back and see all my old mates. And believe it or not Patrick Spiller does class as an old friend. But try explaining this to a sulky 14 year old that thinks that you cant even be friends with a member of the opposite sex without fancying them. She said I was in denial. As if! It's not as if I'm expecting him to be exactly like he was. I mean he'll be pushing 60 now and he'll probably have got on with his life and made a mess of it, just like I have. I'm not expecting him even to still have feelings for me- I just think it would be nice to see him again after all these years. Not that I'm still in love with him or anything: that would be stupid.

Holby is exactly as I remember it. Same streets, same traffic and the same landmarks. Even the busses still run at the same time. I checked into a hotel in the early hours of the morning and wile Becky slept beside me I sat at the window and watched the world go by. I used to do this a lot when I lived here, especially after the whole stalker business. It was strange to think that even though I'd gone the people here still lead the same lives. Still got on with the same routine, day in, day out. And as I looked out it seemed that nothing had changed, I hadn’t changed. All that had happened to me in twenty odd years was that I failed at my marriage and had a daughter. Even though I wouldn’t swap Becky for anything in the entire world I couldn’t help thinking that somewhere everything had gone wrong. This wasn't what I'd wanted to be and this isn't what I want to be but for some reason no one ever asks you what you want to be when you grow up when you're 47.

Another shock to me was the hospital. I saw all the same things happening. The day-by-day madness that always seemed to be based around a+e was still there. The ambulances still rushed in, sirens blazing with people to save, lives to change but the building itself looked totally different. It was painted bright blue to start with. And then there was the new extension that had been added and all the new things once you got inside. I thought it would be like stepping back in time but it wasn't. It was like stepping forward to a time I didn’t know. As I walked through reception I didn’t see anyone I recognised. At the desk was a smiling woman in her mid-thirties. I asked for Charlie but she said that no one of that name worked here. When I asked for Duffy she looked at me totally gone out, like I was talking a different language then suggested that I try a different hospital. I gazed at the street sign out side. Holby City Hospital it said and that's what it was. But not the one I remembered. I apologised to the woman and made my way out, feeling like a grade 'A' fool. As I was walking back to the car I saw someone I recognised. I couldn’t believe my luck.

"Finn!" I called out. He turned around and walking closer he stared at me for a long time, as if trying to remember a childhood friend. I couldn’t believe I was that easily forgotten but then again I have been away for a very long time.

"Holly?" He asked quietly after a while. I nodded and to my surprise he flung his arms around me and gave me a big hug. It wasn't as if we were even great friends when I knew him but it was nice to know that someone was glad to see me.

"How've you been girl? It's been so long since I've seen you."

"Yeah I'm fine, really good. You?"

"Yes I'm great. So what you been up to for the last few years?"

"Oh, well. I got married and had a baby. Now I've got a teenager and a divorce."

"I'm really sorry to hear about that Hol."

"It's ok. So, have you been doing anything interesting?"

"You know, the usual. Marriage, kids."

"Anyone I know."

"Nah, I think she was after you're time. Her names comfort, she joined up just after you left I think."

"That’s nice. So you're happy then?"

"Over the moon. Anyway, what are you doing back in Holby? I thought you'd left for better places."

"I had but those places turned out to be just as bad as this place, if not worse. So do you know where I can find any of the old gang?"

"Most of them have flown the nest. There's just me, Comfort, Anna and Jack still here."

"What about Duffy and Charlie?"

"They've retired to a little cottage in the country."

"And Patrick?" Holly asked, dreading the answer.

"Haven't you heard?"

"Heard what?"

"Go down to the church."

"Why?"

"I can't tell you. I wont. Just go down to the church."

"Come on Finn, you're scaring me now."

"Just do it Holly." He said and he walked away. So, slightly confused I got into my car and began the long journey to Holby church. It wasn't really that far, only a few miles, but it seemed to drag on and on. My mind thinking up every possible reason Patrick would have for being at that church. Each one seemed to get more and more unlikely as the minutes passed by and I found myself trying to picture Patrick turning religious and becoming a priest. At this point I had to stop the car for fear of crashing because of my giggling fit. Once I had calmed down I drove the rest of the way to the church trying to be grown up.

As soon as I got there though I immediately wished I hadn’t. A massive wave of fear swept over me as I pushed open those heavy iron gates. I wanted to run away as fast as I could and never look back but there was something inside me telling me to act like the adult I was supposed to be. So on I went, into the old, crumbling stone church and up to the vicar who was praying and looked rather annoyed to be interrupted. I managed to mutter something about needing to find someone. He asked if I was referring to god as that 'someone' but I explained that no, I was looking for a real person and this was the place I'd been told I would find him. After I explained everything he was very helpful and said he would look Patrick up on his church records. When he'd been looking on the computer for a while he came back and told me that I should probably go outside and get some fresh air while he continued to look. I walked out side and decide that I should have a look at all the graves. It always shocked me how many people died and today was no exception. I walked along the rows and rows of dead people. Everyone from babies to 100 and something year olds. None of them particularly got my attention until I walked almost into the man I was looking for. Without even looking down I knew it was him. I felt a shiver run up my spine and I saw a cloud go over the sun.

In Loving memory of Patrick Spiller,
A great doctor, son, friend and partner.
A great man who gave his life for others
He will be greatly missed.

I couldn’t cry even though I wanted to. I wanted to lie on the ground and scream and shout. To tell the whole world how unfair it was. I wanted to grieve and cry and mourn for him and if I couldn’t do that then I wanted the ground to swallow me up, to hide me away from everyone. I knelt down next to the grave and whispered how sorry I was that I want there. I told him that I loved him. Something that I couldn’t even admit to myself a few hours ago but that I was now admitting to Patrick, god, a priest and a whole load of dead people. Even as I said the words I felt the tears pouring down my cheeks. The tears that I couldn’t cry a minute ago were now pouring out like there was no tomorrow. I felt like there was no tomorrow. As I sat there on the ground I looked at his gravestone and saw when it was dated. 2002. I couldn't believe it. He'd been dead all those years and no one had even thought to tell me. I cried and I shouted: swearing and cursing everyone and no one. I said all the things I should have said when he was alive and cried all the tears I should have done when he died. My words fell on deaf ears and my tears on blind eyes. I was 18 years too late