The Untold Past

By Jen

The lecture hall was stuffy even though the falling snow outside was heavy. Pupils were getting restless, it was nearly the end of term and at university, that meant party time. In every person's mind in that room was different images of what they would be doing as soon as the final bell went and they were free.

'Right, so as you know the mitochonria glands help the body to respire and if these aren't functioning properly then ..' The lecturer went on. 'Mr. Jameson! Can you please pay attention!'

The twenty four year old looked up, a little embarrassed. He couldn't understand and it wasn't his fault, but it always seemed as though this lecturer didn't like him. His eyes stared blankly to the front, to the power point presentation that was being shown, even though he wasn't really paying attention.

Beside him was the girl that he longed to go out with. The trouble was that they were friends at the moment and he didn't want to ruin their friendship. Her long brown hair was tied back loosely in a pony tail with a few whisps that had escaped. Her eyes lay attentively to the front. And no wonder, he thought. This was why this lecturer didn't like him, for the girl Mr. Jameson fancied, the lecturer was going out with. This was the ultimate problem and it was a big one.

'Right, seeing as it looks as though I've lost half of you in the snow, I'm going to cut the end of the talk and give back you r mid term exams.'

Mr. Jameson sighed heavily, he kept his fingers crossed, he had tried his best this time. He hoped and wished it to be fine.

'A, Miss Miles, well done,' the lecturer smiled, placing her paper down on her desk with an affectionate smile in his eyes.

'Mr. Jameson can I see you at the end of the lesson?'

He sunk down into his chair. It looked like perhaps he hadn't.

'Don't worry Ed,' the girl next to him said softly. 'I'm sure it'll be fine.'

'You think so, Holly? I don't' Ed replied, staring silently, sourly at the desk infront of him.

As the bell sounded everyone got up and filed out. Ed remained, it was time to face the strictest teacher in school - Mr. Spiller.

Ed had failed, he knew that he had and now he was stuck in detention for a whole week starting tomorrow - who said that the end of term was supposed to be fun. It was pathetic, he stood at the entrance to the Halls of Residence, trying to ignore the couple that were strolling along in the moonlight, the shadows beneath them dancing in romance as the couples' hands entwined with each other, making them one. Their eyes met and they smiled.

Ed turned away and went inside. The two people kept on walking.

'Where are we going?' Patrick asked, laughing, as Holly pulled him along.

'It's a suprise,' she replied, keeping firmly a hold of his hand and making him walk faster until they came past the first street, the lampposts above lighting the happy emotions that showed on their faces.

'Close your eyes,' holly told him, giggling.

'Why?'

'Just do as you're told for once,' she grinned, placing her hands gently over his eye lids, Patrick had to bend down because he was so tall.

'This had better not be some sort of joke,' he warned, but cut off as she removed her hands and he could see.

She had taken him to the river side, the lighted streets on the other side shone brightly and dancing, skimming, reflected like a crystal mirror in the sparkling water, star littered, dusty paths that shot across the night sky. He was breathless, it was beautiful. He turned to her and they both looked together, their arms around each other's waist, their heads resting on eachothers.

Slowly Holly took his ties and gently pulled his into a pasionate kiss. Happiness filled up inside of them like a liquid warming them and making both feel alive. As they broke away they smiled into eachother's eyes. Their feelings didn't need to be spoken aloud.

Patrick's figure was bobbing around the corner, out of sight. She pulled her keys out of her pocket and inserted them into the front door, a huge grin still on her face.

'Stop it Holly, you'll catch flies in a minute,' - she told herself, but she couldn't help it.

But her own rocket that had been lifting her up onto cloud nine suddenly went 'ca-put,' hung for a mili second in mid air and then came crashing back down to earth with a horrible, stomach churning jolt. For, as she opened the door to the hall and flicked the light on - a moments thought and she concluded that she'd gone into the wrong house. Unfortunately, her sense of orientation was still in good condition and she had not. For as the light flooded the room, she saw a body lying on the floor. Ed was unconscious, a tell tale needle lay beside him.... .... .... .... ....

She ran to the window and thrust it wide open.

'Help!' She called down his disappearing figure.

He span on his heels and saw her desperate face. Not knowing what could be the matter he sprinted back in the direction from which he just came.

He wrenched the front door to the Halls of Residence and ran hurriedly up the stairs. He took them two at a time, lactic acid building up slowly in his legs, but he was extremely fit and his pace hardly faultered. The corridors flew past him and walls became a blur as he continued to run. His breath started to come out in rasping breaths but he continued onwards.

Eventually he came to Holly's door.

'Patrick!' she cried when she saw him.

There, lying on the floor was Ed, he lay still, his face grey and his eyes closed. Patrick was taken aback but almost immediately told himself to help - it was what he had been trained to do.

'What is it Hol, my teaching not got through to you yet?' He tried to make light of the situation as Patrick went back to basics, Dr. ABC, checking Ed's response, but Holly was in no laughing mood.

'Ed? Ed, can you hear me?' Patrick shook his shoulders gently.

Patrick checked his breathing and his pulse, they were weak but they were there. As he rolled Ed onto his side, into the recovery position, the needle next to his arm became visable.

Patrick looked up, Holly wasn't looking, she was fiddling frantically, nervously, with a piece of her chesnut brown hair and staring blankly at her mobile as her fumbling figures reached for '999.'

Patrick grabbed a clean plastic bag that was on the floor and quickly hid the needle in it, shoving the bag into his trouser pocket. It would break Holly to know the truth.

'Yes, operator?' Holly was saying, shakily, 'Ambulance.'

Why? Patrick thought. Why?

Ed had never seemed like this time of person - not like someone who took huge risks and would want to throw their lives away at the drop of a pin. He couldn't fathom it out. It didn't add up, it didn't make sense and it was stupid. He, Ed, was stupid for taking them. He needed to find out what he had taken. But he couldn't do that with Holly there.

'Thanks, bye,' Holly finished her phone call and pressed cancel. The screen went blank and she was drawn back to the room.

Patrick dropped Ed's wrist - 'His pulse is down to twenty and we're losing his output. Holly, darlin,' he got up and put his arms around her. 'I need you to do something for me, go down and tell the paramedics where we are and then escort them upo here, OK?'

Holly was shaking with shock but she nodded weakly.

'Everything will be OK, I promise,' Patrick comforted, squeezing her gently and kissed her softly on her forehead. 'You go and do that for me.'

Holly stept over Ed's body and walked slowly towards the door. 'What caused it do you think?'

'I, I have no idea,' Patrick lied smoothly, it was for the best. She didn't need to know yet.

Holly left and as the sound of sirens sounded somewhere in the distance Patrick wondered what the heck could have made Ed resort to this sort of harsh terms ...

Patrick shook Ed's shoulders more roughly when Holly had departed and tried to bring him back to the present. He stirred slightly.

'Ed? Ed?' Patrick said, hurriedly, he kept on looking over his shoulders to see if Holly was coming back. The curtains on the window were flapping wildly round in the wind that had started outside - the window still open from when Holly had called to Patrick from it.

There was a glass of water on the table. Patrick grabbed it and threw the contents all over Ed's grey face. Ed spluttered and his eye lids flickered. He began to cough violently. Patrick helped him sit up before he choked and, like a mother winding her baby, patted him hard on the back to get the water out of his mouth that had seeped into it.

'Patrick?' Ed asked hoarsely, getting his orientation as Patrick's blurred face above him came into focus.

Patrick nodded. 'Ed, what have you taken?' He asked him in a voice that demanded an answer, teacher mode was back on and it was like a clamp Ed immediately stopped talking. People skills was something that Patrick had never been good at.

'Ed, I need you to tell me, it's no good just shutting up. They'll find out at the hospital and there they will ask all sorts of awkward questions and then there is no way that Holly can't help finding out Ed. It'll break her, she thinks the world of you, she trusts you and this is how you replay her?'

Ed gulped, perspiration stood cold on his forehead and he started to shiver. Patrick pulled off his jacket and wrapped it around Ed. The look on his face told him that he disapproved, Ed saw it.

'Sterilises,' Ed whispered. 'Sterilises.'

'Why?' Patrick asked before he could stop himself. 'Why do it?'

'It's just to get through the course, it's not as though I need to or anything, I promise.' Ed said, shaking violently.

Patrick was about to reply when the paramedics arrived. He could hear them coming down the corridor. 'He's in here,' he heard Holly's voice calling.

Two paramedics came in with a stretcher. One looked about thirty five to forty with very short cut hair and the other was a black man with a huge smile on his face.

'Hi, Ed?' The black man said, kneeling down beside him.

'He's dehydrated and needs saline,' Patrick told him. 'His pulse is fifty and it looks as though his SATs are dropping. He was unconscious when we found him and we're not sure how long he had been there for.' The paramedic started and grinned at the information that had been given to him. Patrick added in a whisper so that Holly didn't hear. 'He's taken fifty milligrams of a certain type of sterilisers that I don't know, I've got the needle for analysis, the girl doesn't know.'

'Right, he nodded. Ed? Can you hear me?' Ed nodded weakly. 'My name is Mark and this other man here is called Josh. We're paramedics and we're going to take you to Holby General, OK?'

Ed nodded again and Patrick helped Mark to put Ed on the stretcher, Holly stood back and watched in shock, Josh kept on talking to her, telling her anything, just to calm her down. He started to tell her about his family, his wife and two boys that he had and he talked proudly, his tone made Holly feel more at ease and by the time that Patrick and Mark had got Ed into the ambulance she was nearly alright.

She sat opposite the trolley that had Ed on and Mark looked after Ed, plugging in machines to check his Ob's, which he recorded on a piece of paper. Holly huddled up with Patrick, nervous and anxious about what was going to happen when they got to the hospital and Patrick even more so, what if Holly found out, what would she do?

'3018 to Holby General.' Josh said into the receiver that he held in his hand. The voice machine crackled into life and the reply came.

'Hello Josh this is Charlie, over.'

'Hi Charlie, male, twenty four, drug abuse nearly stable, ETA five minutes.'

'Right. Standby.'

Holly looked up at Patrick and Patrick couldn't look her in the eye. She had heard. It was over, she knew the truth and she didn't like it ...

The hospital was loud and over the reception there was a clock that ticked away the seconds that the patients watched intently to see how long it was until their appointment. And amist the telephone rings at reception, overwhelming her sense of sound, amongst the noises of talking, arguing, with the blood, the patients, the relatives, the tick tocking of the clock that hung over reception and the entrance to triage, the shouting from someone for 'Silence!' the doors to the entrance of the emergency department. The clatter of the wheels of the trolley echoed through the slim corridor and people moved backwards, out of the way, to let them pass.

Josh's hand rhythmically inflated and deflated the incubating equipment that had been placed on Ed because he had crashed on the way to the hospital.

The trolley bumped up and down with the contours of the smooth yet uneven floor and the walls were plastered with many anti-smoking and abuse posters that, in graphic detail, pointed out the low points and effects of drugs. Announcing their arrival four nurses came to take over the paramedics as the hurried through from triage and resus. The window opposite was steamy with condensation from the cold air from outside that had set a chill on the glass. Through it could, just seen could be the view of many patients, sitting on bright orange chairs aligned to attention in a small room. The desk at reception was at the front and beyond that paper work, mountains. To the right was a door that let through into triage and patients were slowly being escorted into there to fix minor injuries.

Holly was herded into reception by Patrick with the excuse that she needed to tell the receptionist his details. Patrick was going to help - he didn't know why but he felt more at home in this hospital than at the front of a classroom. Here he was doing what he loved to do.

'Charlie,' a man nodded to Patrick, introducing himself. There was no time to shake hands and Charlie, a doctor with short grey hair was busy pulling a blue apron over his head and listing to the details that Mark and Josh were reeling off automatically.

Patrick made it very clear in his manner that he wanted to make his mark here and Charlie didn't have to ask that if he wanted to help when Josh introduced him pointedly - 'This is Dr. Spiller.'

He nodded and passed him over a pair of pale yellow medical gloves. Patrick shook his head, he couldn't come into contact with latex, the rubber that they were made from. 'You haven't any others have you? I'm allergic.'

From the other side of the room a nurse with blonde, curly hair, around forty threw a pair of blue gloves over and Patrick hurriedly pulled them on and started his magic work ...

'Name?' A red haired receptionist asked.

Holly shook herself. 'Sorry?'

'Name?' She repeated, smiling, her red lipstick shining in the bright light that came from the lampshade beside her computer.

'Oh, I came in with Ed Jameson,' Holly said, trying to keep her mind focused on the subject. 'He's his date of birth is the twenty four of June nineteen seventy.'

'Right, if you could take a seat in the waiting room and a doctor will be through to see you shortly. Duffy?' she said to a lady behind her. Holly turned to look.

'Yes Amy?'

'Could you take ... ' Amy looked at Holly quizzically, waiting for her to say her name.

'Oh, er, Holly,' she replied meekly and Duffy smiled at her. It was a weird feeling, she felt as though she was back at primary school, maybe she couldn't cut it as a doctor, it looked so hard, but no, this is what she had always wanted to do, she told herself as Duffy lead her to an empty side room.

'A doctor ... ' Duffy started, but Holly cut in.

'Will be through to see me shortly? I know the score,' she smiled sweetly, Holly never did want any trouble.

Holly sat herself heavily down in a floppy armchair and rhythmically stroked the material as she thought. She curled her legs up onto the chair and sat there huddled, like a little girl, scared in a place that she had never set foot in, not in the situation that she was in anyway. She mused herself by reading the posters on the walls and the leaflets on the nearly bare table. All was neat and all was tidy, all perfectly clean that Holly didn't want to touch something incase she disturbed it. She sat still now, her eyes darting from corner to corner her watch's hands moving around and around, the 'tick tock' the loudest sound heard. The blinds were closed and the murmur from reception was at an all time low. Patrick wasn't there and neither was Ed, Holly sat and sat, waited and waited as her thoughts went around and around and her feelings became more confused and muddled until she didn't care anymore and closed her eyes, trying to block the voices of the replayed events over and over in her head. But that didn't work so she went through her revision notes in her head, anything that would take her mind off what was happening to her friend in the next room and why he had resorted to taking drugs.

* * * * *

Patrick sighed. He was here again and this was the second time that Ed had been escorted to hospital after an over dose. Like the first time, he was going to pull through, but also alike the first time it had been extremely close. He looked at the pair of friends in Darwin ward. Holly was stroking Ed's hair and a tube was in his nose, he looked so frail and uncared for. And Patrick was the only person that knew why.

He had tried to kid Holly that it was just to get through the course and no matter how hard Patrick had tried to make the head of the university not find out, he had been there the second time that Ed had collapsed, just outside the men's toilets on the third floor. Holly didn't know yet but because of this, against Patrick's wishes, Ed was going to be kicked off the course.

Patrick turned away from this sight. He knew that it wasn't to help Ed 'get through the course,' it was because he couldn't handle the jealousy. He was in love with Holly. Patrick had never pretended to be in 'love' with Holly, he didn't believe in giving things titles, when really he just didn't want to face up to his emotions. It was his fault and if Patrick didn't do something about it, before he knew it, Ed would end up dead. It was a tough decision and he didn't want to make it.

Trembling he looked down at the letter in his hand addressed to Holly. He placed it gently on her coat that lay on a seat outside ITU. She would have to understand that he couldn't hold this responsibility and he would leave Holly and Ed together. Patrick had prospects up in the North in his home town and also at the RVI in Newcastle and if that failed Charlie in the Accident and Emergency department had admired his skills and said he would call him if there was ever an SHO post going. He had his own ambitions that he wanted to follow he wanted to get out of the medical school and get back to basics. He sighed and left the hospital, without looking back.

The car speeded down the motor way and the white lines down the centre of the road became blurred. Patrick sat dead upright in his seat, not comfortable and he blinked hard to keep a clear vision of the road ahead through the water that obstructed it. He furiously wiped the tears away, this wasn't his type of scene. He never did this. And what of the place he had left behind? It was best not to think of it. Determinedly he blasted the radio through the car, shaking the doors with the force and made his mind go blank. He was doing the right thing. Wasn't he?

Holby General, September 1999.

The doors flew open as a tall man entered in a long black coat. He was late. He was never late and this meant that he was angry. Stupid Traffic. He went through to reception. A woman with red hair was sitting behind it. He pushed through to the front of the queue.

'Mr. Ghallager?' He asked impatiently.

The lady looked a little ruffled at his abrupt tone but told him straight. 'I don't know where he is, he might be in his office, first floor, up the stairs to your right and first door on your left at the top.'

Without a word of thanks he nodded and hurried up the stairs. He knocked on Mr. Ghallager's office door and went to go straight in. It was locked. He cursed under his breath and made to go back down the stairs and nearly ran into a staff nurse in a blue uniform, strawberry blone hair neatly tied up at the back with pins.

'Well, exc-u-se me, who are you?' She asked shocked.

'I'm your new SHO and I'm late. Patrick Spiller,' he told her, hurrying down the stairs.

'Are you always this rude?' she called.

'Yes.'

'Holly?'

'Patrick?'

The two of them recognised that they would be working together, they hadn't seen eachother for the best of six years. This could be Patrick's second chance and no Ed.

'Don't you have a heart?'

'Not anymore.'

'What did office boy want?'

'Who, Dan?'

'Yeah. Sticking his neb in wher he's not wanted.'

'You're jealous aren't you?'

'No.'

'Yes you are.'

'Merry Christmas Doctor Spiller.'

Charlie's voice echoed around resus as he actively instructed his doctors and nurses to assist the stab wound patient that had just been brought in.

'Right we need to intubate, get saline and I want his bloods taken.'

'Right, on my count,' Patrick said. 'One, two, three.'

They lifted the man off the trolley and onto a bed.

'This is the man that brought him in.'

'Ed?' Holly whispered.

Patrick's head jerked upwards, quickly, his curtains parting do he could see his enemy there, Ed's hair was slightly grey at the sides but his face was as young as it ever was. Great, Patrick thought. all he needed.

'Well, he's not here is he?' Patrick told Holly when they went searching for Ed.

'You're glad aren't you? You're going to find him. You at least owe him that much.'

'I don't believe this. Ed told you that I was the one that shopped him to the Dean didn't he?'

'Yes and I had no other reason to doubt him.'

'Holly he split us up!' Patrick cried.

'No we broke up because of you,' Holly corrected him - but Patrick knew better.

'You keep on trying to change me, trying to make me something that I'm not. I'll never be good enough for you.'

'What's going on here?'

'Some prat's had a go at Holly's car!'

'It wasn't that man she was with earlier was it?'

'Who? Ed? I wouldn't put anything past him!'

'Well, he looked pretty worked up to me ...'

'I want to see Ed Jameson ...'

'Sir! Sir! You can't go in there!'

'Where's Holly?'

'Patrick, I don't know what you're talking about.'

'Don't play funny with me! Where is she?'

'Patrick I'll call the police, report you and you'll loose your job. Is that what you want?'

'Fine. I'll ask nicely. Where's Holly?'

'I don't have a clue what your talking about!'

'Help!'

'Call the police Spencer!'

'Right.'

'This is something to calm you. Don't fight it Holly.'

'No!'

'She's been drugged, she can't move.'

'Holly, it's all right. I know you can hear me, you're going to be all right.'

'Stay away from me!'

'No, you don't, no you don't. You're not going anywhere Tom.'

'Stay away.'

'I'm not coming anywhere near.'

'Tom, give me your hand.'

'And again.'

'Argh!'

'Why did she leave again? I would like to know myself really. Its all a bit of a blur. All I know is she wanted to get away from Holby. She didn't want to stay here with all of the memories. She asked me to come with her. She wanted to do cancer research in Germany, a new programme that she had real faith in. I never believed it. I thought it was just a phase. I told her everything would be all right. Deep down I knew I was just kidding myself. I was so uneasy with the situation that I was burying myself in work. Papers were piling on my desk since Andrew died we were short staffed and with Tom gone as the anaesthetist and you quitting your job staff call outs seemed to have flooded A+E. Annoying people in bright pink uniforms hardly qualified to breathe. They caused more problems than solving them and before I knew it I wasn't looked after things that really mattered to me. There was something wrong with Holly and I didn't notice. I didn't notice, can you believe that? I was around so many people who needed help all day that I couldn't see that the woman I was living with was in trouble!'

There was a waver in Patrick's voice as he remembered. 'It all ended that day. That stupid day. When that physco took Holly for the second time ..... '

Patrick came into his living room and turned on the light. The sun was slowing rising herself above the houses in East.

'Holly! Holly! I'm back! Come on you sleepy thing. You should be up and ready! It's your shift!'

He went into the bedroom and ripped open the curtains to wake her up. The sunlight spilt into the room flooding the darkness with light. Showing everything, except the person that Patrick wanted to see. Holly wasn't there. No one lay sleeping in the bed. The duet was laid out smooth and the pillows were. On the quilt was an envelope and the cupboard doors were open, no clothes were in. Patrick sat down heavily on the bed and picked it up. He looked down at the envelope, intrigued. It was red, it signalled danger. with much apprehension he slid it open. He felt his hands go cold and clammy and his heart speeded up after a momentary falter. There, on a sheet of perfectly triple folded paper, wet in places where tears had fallen, was a poem that she had written and a message at the bottom.

Eagle Eyes

Rivers flowing, shaping the contours
Of the miserable atmosphere.
Shedding thoughts and heartache,
From the witness of hurt.
Rippling, blurred and wiped away.
Flooding thoughts and confidence.
Drowning dignity and pride.
A piece of nature,
Thinking, wondering.
A haunting image of disappointment.
A cold hand, against a pulse.
The water slows to a stand still.
Stationary, staring,
Stirred, sighing, shaking.
Sit-up, stand, silently smile.
Sobbing won't solve anything.
Your eyes look eagerly,
Eagle eyes, face the crowd.
Show them the real you.
Rivers don't flow without a source.
The source has to have a reason.
Make sure that reason is a good one.

- Mine is a good one Patrick. I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. I know you'll understand. If you don't then please try. I'm going away. Don't try to contact me. I'll contact you if and when I'm ready. I am truely sorry.
Love you forever and a day.
Holly xxx

With a jolt of realisation Patrick realised that he had done it again. He had let her go again. And this time there wouldn't be a second chance.

People say that together we were both sides of the same coin
That we would shine like venus in a clear night sky,
We thought our love could overcome all circumstances
But my ambition wouldn't allow for comprimise.
I could see in the distance all the dreams that were clear to me,
Every choice that I had to make left you on your own.
Somehow the road we started down had split asunder
Too late to realise how far we had grown.
How I wish I'd done a little bit more,
Now shoulda woulda coulda means I'm out of time,
'Cause shoulda woulda coulda can't change your mind.
And I wonder, wonder, wonder what I'm gonna do,
Shoulda woulda coulda are the last words of a fool.
People ask how it feels to live the kind of life others dream out
I tell everybody gotta face their highs and their lows
And in my life there's a love that I put aside cause I was busy loving something else
So for everything little thing you hold on to you've got to let something else go
How I wish I'd done a little bit more,
Now shoulda woulda coulda means I'm out of time,
'Cause shoulda woulda coulda can't change your mind.
And I wonder, wonder wonder what I'm gonna do,
Shoulda woulda coulda are the last words of a fool.
Fool if I would now forsake the opportunites are fate
I know I'm not where I belong
But sometimes when I'm not so strong
I wish I'd done a little bit more,
Now shoulda woulda coulda means I'm out of time,
'Cause shoulda woulda coulda can't change your mind.
And I wonder, wonder wonder what I'm gonna do,
Shoulda woulda coulda are the last words of a fool.
How I wish I'd done a little bit more,
Now shoulda woulda coulda means I'm out of time,
'Cause shoulda woulda coulda can't change your mind.
And I wonder, wonder wonder what I'm gonna do,
Shoulda woulda coulda are the last words of a fool.

Read a post card from Holly. Patrick muttered. 'Come back Holly, all will be forgiven.'

Shoulda would coulda - shoulda never let you go........